Like in most of these night visions I have before I fall asleep, this one took place on rough seas. There were ships getting tossed around by the waves. They looked like ocean liners, which shows you the type of force these huge waves had on them. I think rough waves symbolise storms, not just for the church but for the world. As the title suggests this is going to be a huge storm that will affect the whole globe. I’m not just saying ‘world’ to refer to the secular nations like I usually do.
So I’m watching these rough waves when all of a sudden a huge sea monster leaps out of the water. At first I think it’s a kraken but then I realise it’s an enormous black octopus. It’s like swimming on the surface of the waters, being propelled forward by the waves. Then it makes it to shore and uses its tentacles like several sets of legs to walk onto the land. It’s made it to a city on an Island and I know it’s Manhattan Island in New York City. I used to have those Fact Files for locations around the world as a kid when I was being homeschooled. And that’s how I knew it was Manhattan. Also, I explored it in the Spider-Man video game. Anyway, moving on…
This octopus then jumps onto the buildings and begins to consume them with this huge maw like it’s swallowing them down like a snake. A couple more octopuses do the same thing.
Then I see inside the stock exchange and these octopuses attach to the people inside. At first I think they have a Jezebel spirit because I know that to be ‘her’ true form. But then I remember marine spirits and the marine realm or kingdom is where the stolen wealth of God’s saints is kept stored, so Satan can keep them in a state of lack. Python spirit is known to be the stealer of wealth and destinies. So, it’s interesting that the octopus swallowed those buildings which were basically around Wall Street, like a snake.
These octopuses attached to the people inside the stock exchange begin to drain them of their fortunes, and I basically saw the screens turn black.
Then the scene changes to an average looking house on a suburban street and you’re most everyday looking man is walking out of his house checking his phone. He’s checking his internet banking account and is shocked as the figure in his account blows up exponentially.
And then I hear The Holy Spirit say, “The wealth of the wicked is laid up for the just.”
These two things happening have been the long ago prophesied next financial crisis, which will be the worst. Wealthy countries are going to turn into the third world, particularly America. There will be a famine. And what affects America will affect the rest of the world, especially other Western nations. And some poor countries will become wealthy. They’ll become the new superpowers. Already nations are breaking away from the United States and siding with nations that aren’t exactly friendly with them. There will be some big innovative ideas coming out of some of these new wealthy countries, including South Africa and other parts of Africa. Maybe India.
The second part of this prophecy is a long awaited transfer of wealth from rich people, companies, including in the media industry, who have been leading people away from God and some even are being used by Satan to do this. Well, if you’re in the world system then you’re being used by the lord behind that. And another name for the world system is the kingdom of darkness.
I could write a whole book on the world system so I’m just going to say the world system is any system of this world that takes us away from a close relationship with Jesus. You can be a Christian but in the world system. You can even be a fully committed Christian and have to use things in the world system. The only difference between those two is the committed or consecrated Christian will understand the dangers of such a system, and use it as a tool rather than allow it to successfully take them away from God. Some of these systems are politics, religion, entertainment, and there are subsystems within it too. But anything in this world is part of that system and its aim is to take you away from having a relationship with Jesus basically by making us turn to idolatry to people, our own interests and ourselves. Which is why Jesus commands us to die to the world and deny our own flesh. And that could even lead me to explaining why the Law of Moses was so important for Israel to follow, before Jesus came and fulfilled the law. But that’s for another time. Yes, it does involve the word ‘demons.’
In summary, I believe I’m receiving this vision now because the next financial crisis is near. It was always going to be the first of these world events to occur in the escalation of tribulation events. And it’s like a domino effect after that.
But the reason why God is doing this massive transfer of wealth is so His people, those who have been chosen and tested and passed their tests to be stewards of this wealth for the Kingdom of God, are not affected in any way to the shockwaves of the financial market crashing and what comes as a result of that.
This wealth transfer is just one way the financial crisis will come. All sorts of wealthy people in different areas of work will be hit with a loss of their fortunes. And God does allow the enemy to attack people. He let them do it plenty of times when He wanted to punish Israel and discipline His children Or even test, trial and train them.
SCRIPTURE VERSES
The Wealth Transfer
Proverbs 13:22: A good person leaves an inheritance for their children’s children, but a sinner’s wealth is stored up for the righteous.
Ecclesiastes 2:26: To the person who pleases Him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner He gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God.
Exodus 12:35-36: The Israelites did as Moses instructed and asked the Egyptians for articles of silver and gold for clothing. The Lord had made the Egyptians favorably disposed towards the people, and they gave them what they asked for; so they plundered the Egyptians.
God Allowing the Enemy to Attack People
Joel 2:1-11 (An army of locusts)
Jeremiah 18:17: Like a wind from the east, I will scatter them before their enemies; I will show them my back and not my face in the day of their disaster.
I had a vision as I was going to sleep, which is usually what happens. I saw a ship at sea at night. It looked like a cargo ship. Suddenly a terrifying humanoid figure rose out of the ocean that was made from the waters. Many of these figures rose out of the ocean and each was roaring, and as they did the sea became more and more turbulent. They were rocking this large ship as though it was a sailing ship. These figures kept multiplying in number so they had to stack on top of each other, like they were forming a tsunami. A tsunami made out of these demonic humanoid figures. Then I saw a humongous winged demon rise out of the water (Rev 13:1). I could only assume that it represented Satan. Then I saw that more than one of these ships had been knocked over on their sides and their cargo fell into the sea. And one of the larger of these demon humanoids spewed something from its mouth. It looked like a reddish liquid. It landed into the sea near the ships. Where it landed the water turned brown. I started to be reminded of wormwood in the book of Revelation (Rev 8:10-11). And then the words ‘water contamination’ was brought to my mind.
Then I saw another vision. A woman was in what looked like a pub running away from flood waters rushing inside. She may have been the owner as the pub was basically empty except for her. The water just kept rushing in and rose several feet.
Then I was brought back to my first vision. It repeated and stayed on the cargo boxes in the now browned sea. I was still trying to work out whether their contents spilling out into the sea was contaminating the water or whether it was what was spewed by the sea demon. The Holy Spirit said it was from the demon. And then I saw dead fish rise to the top of the water (Rev 8:9).
I think the first vision is both symbolic and literal, but may not happen exactly as I see it, but keep an eye out for the news that something similar to this has happened.
I think the turbulent waves represent the storms that happen throughout our trials, particular in the Body of Christ. And particularly members of the Church who are under God’s judgment and discipline who have just behaved in ungodly ways towards their brothers and sisters in Christ. Need I remind them that whatever they do against another Christian they do against Christ? Jesus said to Saul, “why are you persecuting me? (Acts 9:4)’ not ‘why are you persecuting my people?’ God sees no difference between us and Him. It goes further than this. We are connected to Christ not just by the vine but we are adjoined to the Trinity (John 14:20). As a husband and wife get joined together so the two become one flesh, we are joined to Christ, the husband of the Church, and also the husband of every individual church member, and we cannot be separated from Him. The demonic humanoid figures or what I call ‘sea demons’ are the storms sent by the enemy. They are storms of deception, intimidation that lead to fear, anxiety, depression, despair and anything else the enemy wants to throw at you.
The humongous winged demon is Satan watching over his handiwork and trying to cause more fear and intimidation by letting you know he caused this and it will just get worse. But the devil is a liar.
We are the ships and the dropped cargo is our faith and trust in God. The ships can also represent individual churches on trial. The Holy Spirit loves to remind me of Roma Waterman’s dream about ships representing churches who don’t know which direction to take because demons are shining three different lights at them to direct them, but they’re waving them around the place, causing confusion. And these ships aren’t communicating with each other. But that’s a whole other prophecy about the division in denominations which I’ll give later this month.
The reddish-brown liquid being spewed out by the sea demons is wormwood or a substance that contaminates the water. I had a feeling that the whole thing took place in the Atlantic Ocean. I don’t know why but if this is a literal part of the prophecy then it could come to pass in America. The symbolic meaning could be that we become contaminated with temptation and sin and our own flesh, and the surrounding waters are The Holy Spirit, His Living Waters (John4:14) especially, which when released from our inner beings fill us with the fruits of the Spirit, and as Christ is the Tree of Life, the fruit represents His body and the flesh inside is The Holy Spirit. Like The Holy Spirit lives in us, He lives in that fruit, which when eaten will give us life forevermore (Gen 3:22). That will be literal when the Kingdom of God is materialised in its fullness soon on earth, but it’s also spiritual and it speaks of the quality of our life in Christ (John 10:10) And when we live with one foot in the world and one foot in Christ, we contaminate those pure Living Waters in our soul. We limit how much The Holy Spirit can empower us, or even speak to us.
The second vision may be literal. Because I saw a stage in this pub it reminded me of a pub in Melbourne, because Melbourne has a thriving local rock scene and I’ve always just wanted to relocate there to be part of it. And currently Victoria is experiencing severe flooding. So it might happen or something similar to it might happen. It might happen in other parts of Australia or around the world. The symbolic meaning just shows the chaos that comes to our lives when those storms in a trial hit. We might actually experience floods happening in our homes, like my poor neighbour that lives below my unit did when there was a leak in my hot water pipe. It didn’t affect me but I had to have the plumbers remove and replace all that piping. And then for almost 3 months I was left without a bathroom basin, which spent a few weeks on my balcony and then on my living room floor. That was one of my storms. Or you might have things breaking down around you. Or things could go wrong in your relationships and you’re left to try and mend all that damage. Storms can come in any form, and they’re often followed by more and more storms, adding to our already overwhelming load of stress. The Body of Christ, that is the Church, is going to face these types of storms as God puts them on a full church trial, like my church experienced in June-September last year. And as we are in a time of transition, a new trial has begun or will continue on from late last year, and this may be related to God’s judgment or just God’s purifying of His Body. He also wants to reset people and let them start off with a clean slate. Many have been moved from one house to another. Some have been moved to new towns and cities, maybe even countries. It’s a new beginning for them as God gives them a time of rest before He can really call them into their destiny, that is, His purpose for them to help fulfill His will on earth. And to bring them into His Kingdom on earth as it is now, invisible but growing and extending to the furthest parts of the earth. He has a plan to use many of us this year in ways we could never have imagined for ourselves. Many would feel like they are the wrong fit for this line of work, like they lack experience (Exodus 4:10-16, Jer 1:6). But God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
I had reached a point in September where I thought nothing was ever going to get better for me. Things would only get worse.
With that said, let’s begin.
A Birthday Gift I’ll Never Forget
On December 27, 2021, more specifically. My birthday. I woke up at about 5am to my 36th year on this Earth overheated, struggling to breathe and with chest pains. I thought I may have gotten sick from the cold because I was wearing just a t-shirt and shorts and a thin blanket covering me, despite being in the coldest place to spend Christmas (on Boxing Day) in: my niece’s remote home in the Central Coast.
Most times when I feel sick I just wait for the symptoms to pass. They eventually did and I was left with nothing but a slight tingling in my throat. I wasn’t much in the mood to celebrate my birthday, fearing the worst. Could I have caught COVID for a third time?
When I returned home to my lonely apartment I was exhausted, which isn’t unusual for someone with ME/CFS.
So, I rested. But I started to sleep through the next day and the next and the next. After four days my usual energy returned to me. But a few weeks later I began to notice symptoms of Long COVID for the first time, even though my post-COVID symptoms since April 2020 indicated Long COVID too.
In my recovery for this bout of COVID I did the foolish thing by trying to research a screenplay; an awareness piece about autism and selective mutism. Both conditions I have. But I found my (over) research to be exhausting, so I stopped and played the videogame my mum bought me for my birthday. It exhausted me.
Each month I got newer and worse symptoms. As I was trying to heal so I could return to my church, in desperation and frustration I screamed ‘God, I’m trying to get back to Anchor! How do you expect me to go back if I just get worse each month?! Please, just point me in the direction of treatments I can take to help me heal!’
And that’s just what happened. When my sister got COVID I became so anxious about her developing Long COVID that I thought it was time to experiment these treatments on myself. I also prayed for her daily. I first bought immune support supplements and then probiotics, as these two supplements were being talked about in online Long COVID groups and with researchers.
From just taking these two supplements I was able to get rid of my daily nausea. I also employed some breathing exercises for those with lung disease, and I was able to walk to the supermarket without getting out of breath.
My chest pain started to go away too.
Around this time I was learning about the pagan origins of Christian holidays, and I discovered an author called Frank Viola. I read his book called Pagan Christianity. It was good to get a background of the history of the institutional church, but I didn’t look into his other works. Instead I wanted an easy read so I picked up a Christian science fiction book for adolescents called Swipe. I was enjoying it and as I got close to finishing it Frank released his next book ‘Insurgence’ for $2 on the AppStore. So I bought it and returned to finish Swipe.
I had forgotten that I subscribed to Frank’s email list for some reason, and downloaded two E-books by him. So I decided to read them before reading Insurgence.
One was called Rethinking the Will of God which taught me a lot. There was a quote in a bold red font from Romans 12:1-2 and it was screaming at me.
“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable perfect will of God.”
Romans 12:1-2
The words were so loud and reverberating around my bedroom. I was convinced God was telling me to stop being transgender.
I had no idea what to expect with Insurgence but it was the most transformative book I have ever read. Probably some of the most dramatic changes I have ever experienced as a Christian came from that book, and many of Frank’s books hit me the same. From this I gave a pledge to rebuke the world, including all allegiance (particularly political) to it. I even ripped off the dozen or so political campaign flyers of Anthony Albanese off my fridge. That was a big move, for a Marrickvillian.
Returning to Church
Then I received an email from the lead pastor of Anchor Church. He told me the livestream was going away. At this point I had completely lost interest in the mainstream church, instead wanting to be part of an organic church because it seemed better for accessibility. I told him this and said my goodbyes. His reply was so polite that I started to feel bad about my previous response.
Anchor’s sermons were still going to be uploaded to YouTube but when this didn’t happen I felt like my whole routine had been disrupted. It’s a requirement to feel comfortable when you have autism. But also I didn’t want to miss out on their sermons.
Then I felt God saying ‘you can go back to Anchor.’ ‘But I have Long COVID’ came my reply. Then He reminded me that I was able to go to the chemist to buy discounted probiotics. Okay, that was oddly specific, Lord. But good point.
So, I made my way back to Anchor, feeling as sick as a dog. But by the time I entered those gates (of Factory Theatre) I instantly began to feel better.
Now, I have bipolar and sometimes I get manic. At this time I had been experiencing a rare 2 month manic episode. I was very prideful and arrogant at church and God was about to take me down a peg.
So I had what we call in the chronic illness community, a crash. My Long COVID symptoms got worse. In fact, the very symptoms God healed had come right back. No immune support supplement or probiotic or even Kilmas protocol (basically taking a bunch of vitamins and antihistamines) could ever help me recover from. Science tried to explain the source of this crash by saying it was caused by anxious overthinking. But I wasn’t overthinking – was I? I don’t think I was overthinking. Do I overthink? Oh, sometimes but not this time. Oh, maybe.
Ok, I was overthinking but not to the point that would cause a crash.
My trials had begun.
I spent a lot of time on my bed because I barely had energy to do anything else. I cried out to God a lot and this is when The Holy Spirit let me know exactly why I was taken away from the church. I was much too immature to stay there. The pruning, chiseling, refining or whatever metaphor you want to use for transformation, had begun. And it was painful.
Around this time I subscribed to the Deep Christian Network and the first Master Class I did was called Atomic Freefall: Becoming Strong in the Broken Places. It was about going through trials, storms, the desert etc. So, basically what I was going through, though I started it weeks before I even felt I needed it. But now I needed it.
Frank warned against forcing your way out of the desert. But I thought there was a way to do this cautiously.
Being the great problem solver I have always been and resistant to authority, thanks to a past history as a socialist, which started around age 16-17, and my type of autism (pathological demand avoidance syndrome) refusing to listen to demands I went against Frank’s warning and The Holy Spirit blasting a klaxon into my ear telling me ‘you could get worse’ and returned to Anchor.
I promised to be less prideful and fellowship more. I met a few people who I chatted and hung out with. I loved to finally have a group of Christians to talk to, after being surrounded by atheists for decades. I felt like I found a community I could finally feel at ease around. And to be honest I was getting addicted to it.
I was still finding it hard to fit in with more abled and neurotypical people. I tended to overshare and not realise what was appropriate and inappropriate to talk about. So I became disappointed, which led to distraction, and I gave into temptation by ditching them and went back to my first love: the live music scene.
I wasn’t someone who just went to see a live band. I was a photographer and as such was able to gain access to the bands easily. I would hang with them, drink with them and in turn mimic what would be seen by Christians and God as immoral behavior. To me that was just having fun. It was the easy, more relaxed libertine lifestyle.
So I caught COVID for the fourth time.
COVID Round 4
I was devastated and anxious. I thought it would make me worse for sure. I wasn’t sure why this was happening but the Holy Spirit clearly told me it was because I preferred the live music scene and continuing my photography over church. He said I wasn’t healed to continue my band photography.
So I emailed my Pastor, Matt, being the only person I could contact from church, to pray that I don’t get serious COVID symptoms and that my Long COVID doesn’t get worse. My rapid cycling bipolar had become so rapid I was having 10 different mood cycles a day and I was losing control of my mind. So, I asked prayer for that too. Admitting to someone from church for the time I had bipolar. Though given my past behaviour it probably made a lot of sense.
Now I just had to treat my COVID. I mentioned the Kilmas Protocol before, and now I was going to put it into practice. My immune support and probiotics were helping but I needed niacin, selenium, B-12, zinc, vitamin C, vitamin D, Quercetin, and H1 and H2 antagonists (prescribed antihistamines). Then I ended up overmedicating and gave myself brain inflammation. I just had to drop the Quercetin and the symptom abated.
After the two weeks of healing from COVID ended I took another two weeks to rest so my Long COVID symptoms wouldn’t get worse. I still ended up with one new Long COVID symptom: tension headaches. But overall I was on my way to recovery, thanks to Pastor Matt’s prayers.
I still spent a long time in bed, could barely leave my apartment and had worse fatigue than I ever had before. I barely had the energy to let my cat outside. I would have had to walk her all the way downstairs to open up the main door, but I couldn’t do it.
I was able to keep up to date with Anchor by watching their YouTube videos, but it didn’t feel the same. I started to have a profound loneliness over missing my church community. It was crushing. It felt like a giant boulder with jagged edges was pressing down on my heart. I did all I could to distract myself from this pain which would trigger an unending depression in me, which lead to suicidal thoughts. But the pain was so constant and I wasn’t cycling out of it like I usually do, so suicidal ideation soon turned to planning for suicide.
The scary part was after 12 years of having suicidal desires it had become easier to carry it out. I was noting ways I could complete it even when I wasn’t depressed. What made it worse was the type of music I chose to listen to during this time. My favourtie singer Geoff Rickley (from Thursday) just released a side project called No Devotion, and the songs were so depressing but so relatable. But they made my depression 200 times worse, and kept me depressed. I was also listening to a song by one of my other favourite bands, Brand New, called Same Logic/Perfect Teeth, that had lyrics about self-harm and for the first time I felt like cutting myself.
Realising this, I stopped listening to them.
As I was reading Hang On, Let Go Frank Viola was talking about how in times like these it helped his mental health so much to have another Christian to lean on, but I didn’t have anyone like that. I was so isolated from everyone.
I didn’t just feel isolated from the church but everyone I knew. My family, friends and even the bands I knew wouldn’t talk to me. It made no sense to me, and I felt God was punishing me for choosing live bands over my church community, so I wasn’t able to have either.
I felt like God was telling me to reach out for help. But who? And why? I stopped reaching out a long time ago when the help I was asking for just didn’t come. People only let me down so I learned to rely on myself.
But God was telling me I needed to trust people again by asking them for help.
So again I reached out to Anchor. An auto message told me Pastor Matt was off on two weeks leave. Of course he is. What was the point of that, God? So I went back to feeling hopeless, depressed and suicidal.
I kept watching Anchor’s sermons on YouTube. In the latest one another pastor, James, was sharing his story of anxiety. I felt God telling me to reach out to him, so I did. I emailed Pastor Matt telling him to ignore my last email. I wished I could delete it from existence. It was dripping in depression and I felt embarrassed I ever wrote it.
I waited. No reply. By this time my mental health had deteriorated so much due to the Optus Data Breach that I ended up with severe paranoia. I became suicidal again. The easy way out from all this anxiety for me was to just no longer exist. My stress turned into visual and tactile hallucinations, which is rare for me. I spent the long weekend in bed with paranoid thoughts spinning around my head that I had another crash. Yes, the gains I made in my Long COVID recovery were lost, and I had to rest to achieve them again.
I started to put more faith in God which was helped by my sudden desire to listen to Hillsong songs, especially the songs we sung at Anchor. But also, I went back some 20-30 years and listened to the songs I grew up singing at Mannahouse Church. I found the songs would restore my energy in ways my usual playlists of emo and rock n roll bands ever could. And suddenly my anxiety disappeared.
Another trial or temptation or both I went through that I kept having to go through again and again was to turn my back on the live music scene. I struggled so much with giving up on it and leaving my friends behind, both my friends I’d see at gigs and the band members themselves that I basically wanted to give up my faith. I felt I could sell my soul for just one more night with Davey Lane (a singer/guitarist I knew).
Then I could no longer feel God’s presence. I felt lost, alone and completely vulnerable. The warmth and comfort I usually felt from The Holy Spirit was gone. So, I agreed to stop seeing bands and just wait and have faith in God, even inviting Him back into my heart.
I eventually heard back from Pastors Matt and James again. Matt recommended I see a Christian psychologist. I didn’t even know the difference between a Christian psychologist and a non-Christian one. I also had severe trust issues with mental health professionals. But I knew God wanted me to do this, having put the idea in my head after Frank brought it up in one of his Master Classes.
I accepted Pastor Matt’s suggestion to see a psychologist, though at times I resisted so I tried to delay setting up an appointment as long as possible, until I had to wait so long for an appointment that I was desperate to start.
I started to feel like that needy mentally unstable person asking the church for help that I never wanted to be. I started to feel like a burden. So I stopped the emails. But then I wasn’t able to have enough energy to buy my own food and got locked out of online delivery. So I had to yet again ask for help. Like always there was an uncertainty that I was even going to be helped, but it all worked out in the end. It was a good thing too because I spent all the way up into the weekend in bed. I had no idea how fast things were going to change for me.
I felt like God was teaching me that I had to learn to rely on other people, and less on myself. I was beginning to embrace that but I couldn’t get past the years of disappointment when everyone I reached out to let me down.
I got to this point where I thought my Long COVID would never heal. I was doing a plan with CFS Health that seemed to be working. Extended rest was giving me more energy but then I’d get stressed or severely anxious and just crash. My symptoms would permanently get worse.
I felt it was hopeless. I would never heal. I would just be forever healing, crash and then try to heal again. And I couldn’t stand to be lonely anymore. I didn’t think I could last another week or two before I became suicidal again. And God knew that too.
But He was telling me I needed to have faith again, not just rely on the science. The science worked but with my level of stress I couldn’t rely on science alone.
I read another book by Frank, Day I Met Jesus, this time with Mary Demuth, who actually prayed for me when I talked about a chapter of the book on Instagram. In it they talk about how sometimes God wants us to wait on Him, but other times He wants us to press violently into the kingdom. Demand He gives us what we want, like healing.
I felt He was saying that to me. So I started to think it doesn’t matter how ill I am, I’ve got to try and return to Anchor. If I crash I’ll just take a week off to heal. My aim was to heal completely from being in the presence of Jesus.
October 16: A Fresh Start
So, I went back, barely able to breathe. But I was finally back at Anchor. For good this time. After being there a few weeks my Long COVID symptoms started to lessen.
That day pastor James’ sermon was very similar to a conversation we had over emails, about me not fitting in at church, and by the end I was motivated to try and fellowship with other church members. We went to Enmore Park where I poured out my feelings over the last few months. My trials, anxieties, depression and even suicidal thoughts. And I was actually listened to. It felt so good to have the support of other people at church.
After months of loneliness, suicidal thoughts and attempts, paranoid anxiety, and Long COVID symptoms so bad I thought I’d never be able to return to Anchor, to suddenly be sitting there with people from church, filled me with an indescribable joy. If you told me this would have happened a week ago I wouldn’t believe you. I couldn’t even get out of bed. I didn’t know how I was going to buy my own groceries. And now here I was, at a church lunch, meeting new people and unabashedly pouring my heart out to them about the hell I had gone through over the last few months.
My words will never ever be able to accurately describe the sense of relief and belonging that I felt that day.
I was also able to have someone to lean on like Frank did, who would listen to my worries. And he was right, it helped so much. I began to feel at ease. I finally felt the support I craved for decades.
However, the next month after committing to getting baptized I suffered a mini-crash from the stress and preparation. I spent a good 3 weeks writing my baptism testimony. I kept alternating between having courage to deliver it, even if I did have to admit I had been transgender, and having so much anxiety I yet again wanted to run back to the live music scene. And there were 6 bands playing these three weeks to tempt me away from church, some around the corner from where I lived.
But I turned up on the day and…had a severe anxiety attack. I suffered alone. All I had was the very quiet voice of God telling me to have faith, and telling me to take the anti-inflammatory meds at my feet that I randomly discovered at a church lunch at Marrickville Markets. I took it but I was slightly drugged and very awkward. But I got through my baptism testimony and faced my fear of water.
Many people from church approached me that day and congratulated me on my testimony. Some people said it helped them, some people were inspired while others cried.
There was a Christmas party later that evening that I somehow made it to. I decided to take my camera to have photos to look back on if I ever got separated from Anchor due to Long COVID or COVID or something like that ever again. I just wanted to have some good memories.
This was also the first church Christmas party I would attend in 16 years. For that reason and the reason that I hadn’t seen my nephews since Christmas 2019, I wasn’t in the Christmas spirit. I also felt uncomfortable about all the pagan symbols still being used in Christmas decorations. As I mentioned before I read about the pagan origins of Christian holidays. I could tell you which god certain decorations relate to, and I could barely look at them.
It was so weird seeing people in Santa hats and kids dressed as elves. But I just acted like it was another event to photograph, and to take the type of photos that would capture the spirit of the night. The type of photos an editor would use.
I alternated between taking photos and talking to people. I reached exhaustion four times that night, so mostly I just sat down and joined conversations. People were still coming up to me and congratulating me on my baptism.
Pastor Matt sarcastically said I’d have to sleep for a week after this but I just tried to brush it off. I should have listened because I was about to crash hard. Though not as hard as during the Optus Data Breach.
The Holy Spirit did tell me to ‘be careful’ when I was taking photos. I’ve got this thing where I ask God permission if I should do something. Now I know that’s because I always push myself too hard when I take photos. I’m overly ambitious and will push myself to breaking point just to take the type of photos I’m looking for. I was that way as a band photographer. It happened that night too. I would keep taking photos until I got so tired I wasn’t even capable of taking a good photo anymore. And because I had over medicated with stimulants to just pay attention and follow the sermons, I ended up so exhausted that I felt I would collapse. I couldn’t even get up and get my own communion or worship, nor even read the song lyrics without feeling like I’d pass out.
I stopped taking any kind of stimulant at Anchor and instead treated my ADHD through brain training.
I was somewhat embarrassed over my baptism testimony and the way I acted during my baptism. So, I started to withdraw from the church community and I was experiencing a mini-autism regression and mini-crash so my autism symptoms got worse. It may have also had to do with my anti-inflammatories making me appear stoned.
I felt God had rushed me into my baptism, but I also wanted to get it done quickly because that’s how it was done in the first century. I had re-committed my faith just weeks ago so it was as if I was a new Christian. And I didn’t realise it then or even this year but Jesus wanted me to get baptised so He could bring me back to the altar after I had strayed the few weeks after I had gone back to Anchor in June/July.
God was already at work to help me purge more un-Christlike things from my life. I suddenly had a desire to throw out all my socialist books. I had planned to hold onto my music biographies but The Holy Spirit told me to give those away too. He knew they’d temp me back to that life.
After I threw the books out I felt like pieces of my personality were being ripped away. The emotional pain was so great it may as well have been physical.
I still found it hard to fit in with more than a couple of people, especially after a pastor I had grown close to had to leave. I got depressed again so I reached out to Pastor Matt and poured out to him again about many of my issues at church, and he was empathetic and provided some guidance.
On December 13 Anchor City and City Light Church joined up to hear David Bennett, a gay Christian celibate, give his testimony in Balmain. I will talk about this in more detail but for now I’ll just say that through David Jesus showed me I was still transgender, though He doesn’t want me to identify with anything in this world. This has something to do with the pledge I made to Him months ago. It was a mind blowing revelation for me because I was struggling with detransition and obsessing about making myself look like a cisgender woman. I was also ignoring my sexuality to the point I didn’t know if I was gay, straight or bi. As a trans man I was gay. But someone who saw me as my biological sex I’d be straight. Hormone replacement therapy then made me bisexual and after 18 months of not taking another testosterone shot I still am.
Back at Anchor I started to lower my expectations and just take things as they came, appreciating what good came out of them. This way I was able to talk to more people, make new friends and start to feel like I really belonged at the church.
On the lead up to Christmas service, I had a conundrum. I felt nothing for Christmas and I was filling my days listening to my emo Christmas playlist with Fall Out Boy singing ‘Merry Christmas, I could care less…’ or The Used’s ‘Alone This Holiday.’ I did it as a joke. It’s a way I get when I feel detached from holidays or certain days, like Valentine’s Day. But Pastor Matt, he loved Christmas so much and everyone else at church seemed excited about Christmas too. It made me feel like something was wrong with me because I just had this whole apathy about it.
Then another book by Frank Viola landed in my lap. This was called Jesus Manifesto and aimed to inspire people to put Jesus as the centre of the church again. And I thought maybe this could help me make Jesus the centre of my life.
And just like that, I felt the joy of the Holiday again. Putting Jesus at the centre of Christmas meant I could overcome my convictions about the pagan symbology used in Christmas decorations and just enjoy the day again.
A few days before the Christmas service there was a sudden venue change. I felt there was not enough days to be able to cope with the changes. I started to feel myself unravelling. All my plans started to fall apart. I wasn’t going to be able to give Christmas cards to people or talk to certain people in particular. I couldn’t understand why I suddenly felt so much anxiety, but then it dawned on me: the last time I was here I experienced severe gender dysphoria.
I was due to take photos of the punk band Pennywise for Speaker TV. I was all set to do it but I just so happened to have come out as transgender and because the online transgender community would complain about our haters I was exposed to a lot of transphobia. And it made me start to fear people, like the people at this gig. I kept thinking they could tell I was transgender.
When it came time to get down front and take photos of Pennywise I couldn’t do it. So, I left.
Despite all this, I still made my way to Enmore Theatre that Sunday. At first I felt ok but then as my foot touched one of the steps leading down to the dance floor (now filled with chairs) I felt as if the ground would cave in under my feet. I felt unsteady and couldn’t regain my balance. Suddenly I was thrown back into that night. The packed out theatre, sweaty bodies standing to shoulder to shoulder with disapproving faces. No path to walk around them. Nowhere to run to, nowhere to retreat to and sit and overcome the feeling of being overwhelmed with it all. No public toilets to hide in, because I was too scared to go into any.
Why did it have to be this night I’d remember? I had so many good memories in Enmore Theatre. Hardcore dancing like an idiot when I finally got to see Refused live, after accepting the fact I would never see them live after they broke up when I was just 12 years old. Or meeting Jimmy Barnes when my friend Davey Lane played with him. Or watching RocKwiz live and just gazing on Davey’s beauty during his live solo performance. Or going backstage at Rock the Gate to thank Tex Perkins for hooking me up with a photo pass. Or being smiled at by Pete Murray.
No. It had to be the most horrible night of my life. The night where I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I had let down not just my editor, but myself and my fans. That I was a failure and should just give up taking photos of bands all together. And that’s just what I did.
When I saw Pastor Matt I told him about my anxiety. He told me I was with friends here, but I was so distracted by own anxious thoughts I didn’t understand what he meant at the time. But I think I do now. No one was judging me, so I didn’t have to be afraid of them.
I started to feel at ease when I sat with my friend down the front. I could finally sing along to Christmas Carols without worrying much about the history behind why we have them at all. I felt like The Holy Spirit was speaking to me through Pastor Matt’s sermon, trying to remind me of something that would answer a whole lot of questions for me, mainly about my baptism. Something I forgot about long ago. But I wouldn’t realise this until early January, as I mentioned before, that I had strayed so far from the path that I was living both for Jesus and the world, even if I was trying really hard to be a good Christian.
When I stood up to join in on closing worship, I felt the Holy Spirit fall down on me. The presence was unusually heavy. It felt odd that this would happen during Christmas Carols. But I just closed my eyes and took it all in.
After the service I had a desire to talk to Pastor Matt about David Bennet’s testimony, and my own LGBT related issues. But I was still so nervous about talking about LGBT issues in church. I had always just suppressed them. But after seeing how everyone responded to David’s testimony positively I knew Anchor was different to how my former churches saw LGBT people.
To my surprise, he listened. He brought up the psychologist Mark A. Yarhouse who analysed transgender research from a Christian perspective. I was uncertain about him. I had the transgender community come back into my head over some of the things Pastor Matt said. I was torn. I knew he genuinely wanted to help me but I didn’t want to turn against the transgender community that had once felt like family to me. I didn’t want to do a massive u-turn and become transphobic. But I kept these thoughts to myself.
I told him about my struggles to get into the spirit of Christmas and my struggles to give things up for Christ, but that I was still attempting to break from my worldly desires, like socialism and video games. We talked about David a lot but at the time I really couldn’t understand how putting a relationship with Jesus in place of a romantic one could help someone be celibate.
As I left Enmore Theatre, that iconic venue I was once too scared to re-enter, I felt like that was a good Christmas service. And I was glad I came.
I was sad to break from Anchor over Christmas, fearing if I caught COVID on Christmas or crashed that I would be separated from them for a long time again. But as it turned out I was alone on both Christmas and my birthday. I got depressed about it but a journal my mum gave me that she half filled cheered me up. It was full of encouraging scripture verses, telling me to ‘stay strong’ and she even wrote her own psalms. I also started reading A War of Loves by David Bennett and Understanding Gender Dysphoria by Mark A. Yarhouse, both recommended by Pastor Matt.
So, despite 2022 not having a good start and a terrible middle, God was able to turn it around for me, as long as I put my faith in Him and just wait on Him. 2023 is looking hopeful but also hard, as I try to overcome my anxieties at church and work through my gender dysphoria and sexuality.
Victory And Peace 